A blog
Written by Devendra Singh, July 10th, 2023.
Readers note— Hello! I apologise, I have been on an unofficial hiatus. I have been anticipating a stressful time and (poor planning on my part) that is what I have been solely focusing on, but I do have exciting plans for the coming month on my blog and am so happy to get back into sharing more pieces. Nevertheless, this post has been heavy on my mind the last few weeks, it is the second part of “Things I learned in my twenties” which are pieces I am writing, mostly for my own reference, as I come into a new exciting chapter— moving into my 30’s. As always, thank you for reading.
This one makes the list because it may be the most important one— ‘Holding Space’. It is one of the most important concepts I have learned about and will take with me on this journey called life.
‘Holding space’ is to create a space that is supportive and without judgement. It is where a person feels heard and held. It’s not a new thing, we’ve been doing it for as long as we have had meaningful connections to others and self. The concept of ‘holding space’ is intentional, grounding and healing.
“In order to prepare myself for conflict, frustration, ego, fear, anger, weariness, envy, injustice, etc., I need to sit with myself, look into my own heart, bear witness to what I see there, and address it in whatever way I need to before I can do it for others. I can’t hide any of that stuff in the shadows, because what is hidden there tends to come out in ways I don’t want it to when I am under stress.”
— (Heather Plett, 2015)
From the time I was a little girl to the day my dad died, the tension between us was about space, particularly the space I held. I resented the pressure to take up the smallest amount of space possible— both physically and emotionally. The messages were; be small, be unaffected, be controlled and be easy to lead.
It is a message deeply rooted because it is also a sentiment often echoed in the winds carried throughout society. It seems to me, the only place these messages lead to is abandonment of self, and that is exactly where I begin when it comes to holding space for myself— returning from abandonment.
Learning to hold space for myself has meant so many things. It is deconstructing beliefs taught to me about my body, my mind and emotions and my experiences. It is holding the space for every version of myself, including the parts of myself I felt were never good enough. In the last few months I’ve been practicing holding space for myself in times of anxiety, stress and low moods, and I am no expert but it has definitely began to alter my life.
It is so simple yet easy to forget, which makes it so much more important. The older I get, the more unafraid I become to stay with myself, to believe what I’m feeling in moments of doubt, and never abandon any part of myself.
“I have met myself and I am going to care for her fiercely.”
— Glennon Doyle, (Love Warrior) 2016
Without the ability to hold space for self, there is no capacity to hold space for others or to live from empathy. In learning to hold space for myself, I have also found routes of healing to things such as a better understanding for my dad’s intentions as a father and about my capacity to hold space for others.
“If I don’t know and understand who I am and what I need, want, and believe, I can’t share myself with you.”
— Brené Brown.
I’ve learned that I suck at holding space for others. I heard the word ‘control’ linked to connection and as much as I was caught off guard by the link, I felt called out. I was listening to Brené Brown who said that control is “the near enemy of connection”. She was describing what it really meant to connect with others and how control can block those connections. She talked about the choice we have to make— to believe people when what they’re saying does not resonate with our lived experiences or what we need from that person (2022). Those words stopped me in my tracks. Everything came to a halt, I had to listen to it again.
I started thinking about this one phrase my sister often used when she came to me to vent or let her worries out. She would say ‘I don’t want you to try to fix this’ and I’d reply with ‘Ok’, but the truth is— it flew right over my head. At the very least, I thought it was a little odd that she would explicitly tell me she didn’t want me to try to fix whatever it was. How else would I help or comfort her?
Brené Brown described a scenario similar to mine, and talked about what is really happening when ‘control’ blocks connection— “I choose to walk away from connection and care with you to control the image I need to have of you, to feel safer in my life” (2022). I was floored, no words had resonated deeper.
I realised my capacity to hold space for my sister, and probably others, was restricted. My instinct is to protect my sister and take her worries away, and as the older sister I run to her aid with a basket of solutions and sometimes even statements disguised as consoling ones but which are really just brush offs intended to quickly bandage her wounds. It all sounds ignorant but that is my learning and it is a perfect example of how control blocks connection and poses as a statement of caring. What I thought was helpful wasn’t actually connection, or empathy and it wasn’t truly holding space. As terrible as it felt to realise this about myself, it was something I deeply needed. I want to be able to hold space and show up for people I care about, it is so important to me.
“[Holding space for others] means that we are willing to walk alongside another person in whatever journey they’re on without judging them, making them feel inadequate, trying to fix them, or trying to impact the outcome. When we hold space for other people, we open our hearts, offer unconditional support, and let go of judgement and control.”
— Devendra Singh 2023
As I learn about and understand myself a little better, I can care for others a little better. When I think about the messages my dad gave me, I can understand how hearts can get lost in translation. I can have more understanding for him and his intentions as a parent. I can hold space for him as a human being and a dad who did his best and taught me what he knew to be right.
The lesson continues. I believe that truly being able to hold space is a constant practice that is transformative in so many ways. Life is learning and life is love— I believe that holding space is key to both.
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