30-year-old when
Written by Devendra Singh, July 9th, 2023.
Hello, from newly 30-Year-old me!
When I was eleven or twelve years old, I first saw the movie 13 Going on 30 (2004), which is so odd to write because the movie was released in Australia as Suddenly 30—what I know the title to be—starring Jennifer Garner. The movie follows Jenna Rink, who makes an unusual wish on her birthday. Miraculously, her wish comes true, and the 13-year-old Jenna wakes up the next day as a 30-year-old woman.
There’s the scene where young Jenna has locked herself in the closet after being humiliated and rejected at her 13th birthday party, and all she wants to do is skip growing up and be the woman she dreams of becoming, and she repeats this line over and over again: «Thirty and flirty, and thriving». It’s the line that leads into the next scene where Jenna’s wish «comes true» and we meet Jennifer Garner as 30-year-old Jenna, who has everything young Jenna dreamed of—good looks, her dream job, a boyfriend, and popularity.
As I write this, I’m coming to the end of my day—my birthday— and I am officially 30 years old. I have been so excited for this new chapter, new decade of my life but I do not feel flirty and thriving; it’s more like «Thirty, and Surviving and Trying.»
If 13-year-old me woke up as 30-year-old me, she would be, errrm, disappointed, but that’s okay, I can deal with that because skipping across the last 17 years would be the true disappointment! I don’t want the same things. Many times throughout my life, I’ve wished to skip to the part where I have it all together and everything is perfect. I, like young Jenna, always dreamed of the adult version of me who had it all. I wonder if that even exists.
«Thirty and flirty and thriving» would be the line many of us remembered, and it was fun to watch adult Jenna stumble through the “perfect life” she built, but the lesson we learned from the movie was that having it all wasn’t the most important thing; in fact, we learned that it was who Jenna became along the way, and it was the people and connections in her life that made it worthwhile.
I’m feeling this sentiment more than ever right now as I celebrate today, missing some very important people.
Ten years ago, on my 20th birthday, I had a kind of existential breakdown. It had nothing to do with age but rather a passing of time that felt painful. I could do nothing but sob for the entire day. I later shrugged it off as depression, and perhaps it was that, but I’m also a little too nostalgic, a little too sensitive, and a little too clingy, so there is that too. But I also think that in those who feel deeply and are «paying attention,» as Glennon Doyle says, there is an important truth waiting to be found. I feel that 20-year-old me had an awakening, an existential realisation that is joy and pain, both living and dying. And, while I was more or less wading in the waters of the painful, it was a realisation that would have only made sense to me now, which is that the biggest devastation isn’t about the things that have the capacity to come and go, like a merry-go-round, but rather the people or things that come and go, sometimes no more than only once—Mum, Dad, your sibling, the love of your life, your best friend, your aunt, your child—it’s the minutes we spend, and it’s us—Me and you.
Opening the chapter to my 30’s is a gift, and truly feels full circle. The journey to now has been difficult, painful, joyful and all the things that life sparks. The last decade especially has taught me so much and perhaps now I wade in the waters of joy and delight more often because I understand and accept the experiences of pain. Today, I woke with a deep appreciation for the journey, for who I am right now and who I am becoming. The thing that makes it all okay (the living and dying stuff that i just had to bring up), and that brings me back to now is; gratitude.
«When we focus on our gratitude, the tide of disappointment goes out and the tide of love rushes in.»
Kristin Armstrong
I spent the last few days with people I love and adore, for which I’m so grateful. We spent those days eating my favourite kind of cake, which made me doubly grateful. My sister spent last night decorating the apartment, something we have done for each other whenever possible, just like our mother used to do for us on our birthdays, and a special friend sent me the gift of having my favourite meal. I am overflowing with gratitude. I’m grateful for my awesome people—the ones that have come and gone but left everlasting imprints and the ones who make life worthwhile.
So, to end, I thought I’d share a few things I am grateful for and that being joy and delight!
My Gratitude List;
• My sister. Everyone needs a sister like mine. I am so thankful to have her in my life.
• My niece, P. who is my little sunshine and daily dose of joy. Also, my nephew and Niece O. & M., who were the first to make me an aunt and make me proud every day.
• The love that set my heart on fire in the best of ways and turned into life-long friendship.
• The chocolate ganache on a chocolate mud cake— delightful!
• A protected childhood which leaves me many happy memories.
• Writers! Each who fuel my fire to write by sharing their own magic and that includes the beautiful bloggers on WP, especially those I’ve engaged with on my posts and share interesting and powerful content of their own.
• Walks to the park with my sister and niece.
• Belly laughs!
• People who make others laugh (I’m thinking about some of my favourite tv shows and creations that brighten my day).
• Going to bed with a hot water bottle on an icy winter’s night.
• My mum and everything about her.
• My Dad and his trailblazing legacy.
• Music (is life!)
• Podcasts— the best thing to come of technology, ever!
• The way my niece wraps her little arms around my neck, giving me the best hugs imaginable.
• Evening talks with my sister.
• The smell of rain as it hits pavement.
• A smiling stranger.
• To have found (and have access to) a wonderful therapist especially while coping with loss.
• Sunny days in winter and spring that are the perfect combination of chilly, windy and warm.
• People whose hearts are made of gold, and who help others often. It is a heartwarming a joy to meet and witness this kind of person.
🥂To ‘Thirty, and Flirty, and Thriving!’
I’m kidding.
It’s still ‘Thirty, and Surviving and Trying!’
— Hannah
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